Coming Clean
by A Little Here and There
Summary: All the doubts, self-loathing, guilt come out of Dean and Sam tells Dean the truth, no cand coating. Angsty, Rated M for safty. Hope you enjoy and please review.


**Coming Clean **

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the boys, unfortunately.

Warnings: Somewhat of a spoiler so if you haven't watched the fourth season then don't read this, unless you want too. =P

Enjoy and please review.

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Dean laid sprawled out in the front of his impala, his foot tapped against the other door quietly to the rhythm of a Metallica CD. Sam was in the back of the impala, not so much as sprawled out as just trying to maintain a spot on the seats. His 6 ft 4 in frame strained by the lack of room. He kept quiet. He was listening to Dean pitter patter against the door. The two brothers had been like this for hours it seemed. Dean had awoken from a nightmare screaming, sweat trickling down his forehead and spine, his heart racing. He had immediately turned on the radio and very quietly listened trying not to wake his little brother in the back. But Sam had already been awake. In fact, Sam had been listening to Dean fight himself and an invisible attacker for a long time, every now and again Dean would say a name or hear Dean curse. Once he heard Dean plead for his life and Sam almost woke his brother. Almost. Sam felt terrible and guilty beyond measure but Sam wanted to see what he might learn, that and he just wanted Dean to _sleep. _

So the two brothers lay in complete silence in the impala in the middle of a clearing off of an old country road somewhere in Colorado. Dean talked to himself quietly about topics Sam could only guess to be Hell, and Sammy was too intrigued to let Dean know he was awake as well.

"No one would know….well Sammy might, and I suppose Castiel would too…they would too….Damn it." Dean mumbled.

"It would be so easy but I figure I'd just end up in hell again…" A sigh is heard. "I'm worse than any of them was…of coarse I'm worse then him…." Sam didn't understand any of it.

"Its not like I had a choice…" A small thump against leather is heard and Sam can imagine Dean's crumbled face and a fist embedded in the upholstery.

"I was good…thrity years I was good…So alone though…dark…." Dean's breath hitched as though a painful memory had laced through his mind.

"Their faces…everyone of them….Shit. Shit. Shit. SHIT!" Dean's voice began to rise and an angry voice full of hatred was heard. The squeak of Dean's body moving rose to Sam's ears and then the harsh clap of a car door opening and then closing.

Sam slowly rose in the back seat to see where Dean was headed. The man was headed farther into the woods and Sam felt the stupid feeling of panic rise in his stomach. Why though? Dean wouldn't run off, he wouldn't hurt himself either…not that Dean had grabbed anything to hurt himself with…although he did have a knife. All the stupid thoughts rose in his head and Sam slowly followed Dean, but in a manner that Dean would have no idea he was being followed.

Dean's shoulders were hunched and Sam watched them straighten as Dean faced a large tree. And with a suddenness that shook Sam, Dean struck out at the tree's hard bark exterior. Punch after punch landed on the tree, another. Then another. Until the man's energy was spent and he was cursing the world and cursing the air he breathed. Punch after punch, until finally, Dean fell to his knees in front of the tree his shoulders shaking. A ragged roar breached his lungs and Sam was glad they where in the middle of no where because his scream seemed to sound like a grizzly bear in pain. Sam immediately started towards Dean, not hesitating or thinking. Sam didn't pause or reel back in horror at the sight of his big brother crying, bloody fists held against his face. As if Dean could block out reality.

"Dean." Sam said lightly, gripping Dean's shoulders.

Dean looked up at Sam with eyes that were filled with hatred, spite, anger, loss, pain, and with little sanity. Sam was shaken to the very core at his brothers look but he didn't move. Not a muscle flinched as Dean's eyes pierced him.

"I'm lost Sam. So lost." Dean chocked out. He felt humiliation beginning to form in the pit of his stomach and he looked up into Sam's eye again expecting pity or some other terrible secret that showed what his little brother must think of him. Instead Dean saw….he had no idea but it wasn't pity and it wasn't anger….nor was it a horrified look and this made Dean even angrier.

"No Dean." Sam said. It was all he could say. All that seemed to be pushed past his lips.

"What do you mean _no_?!" Dean cried slightly exasperated. "Because I sure as hell look lost and…_pathetic_." He spat the words out and Sam knew Dean wasn't really angry at him more at himself and this caused a furious reaction within Sam.

Dean stood back up on his feet, grit and blood from his hands were mixed on his face giving him a savage look. "I did it Sam. I killed, and I tortured, and I killed and I tortured some more. And guess what Sammy? I liked it! I enjoyed watching their blood pour onto the ground in pools." Dean searched Sam's face, the tears that streamed down Dean's face continued as a wicked and deadly serious grin split open. It wasn't pleasant and it scared Sam.

How did he let Dean get this way? How could he continue to ignore all of the signs of self loathing and all of the nightmares? All of the screaming and sarcasm? Truth was Sam had seen all of it and knew sooner or later Dean would brake and it would be like breaking the walls of a dam. But was it healthy for him to have let Dean stew in his own juices for this long? Guilt and remorse welled up in side of Sam.

Sam grabbed Deans face roughly with one of his large hands, Dean didn't fight it. "You're my big brother Dean. Always will be. No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try to run away from it and no matter what you say. Because let me tell you." Sam's hand dropped from his face to grasp roughly at one of his shoulders.

"All those things you did in hell? Guess what Dean? _I. Don't. Care._" Sam said "And I get it okay, Hell sucked ass. I do, I really do. But your not there anymore! I'm never letting you getting dragged away again, _ever._"

"Sam"

"No Dean listen, I'm not finished. You're here now," Sam stomped the ground loudly. "Those thirty years that you told whoever it was to stick it where the sun shined? Those years weigh more then the ten other years spent torturing people. The thirty years of _good _is wasted with your moping and your _self-loathing_." Sam's breath came in gasps and Dean's eyes still burned, like a man who's meaning for life was hopeless. They were still angry, but Sam realized that what he was saying wasn't meant to comfort Dean, it was only meant to show Dean the truth.

"And you trying to endure this hell alone? Fuck that and anyone who believes in it." Sam spat out. His face twisted with pain and anger at his brother and his stupid believes.

"You are no lesser a man than before hell. You're a better man for it, a man our father would look at with respect."

Dean looked up at his brother with eyes that revealed nothing. "You feel better now?" He said acidicly.

Sam looked at his brother with shock. He had just laid his insides out in front of Dean, only to have him walk all over them. Anger welled up in Sam and he punched Dean in the jaw. "Yeah I do."

Dean chuckled, wincing as the sharp pain of his jaw laced across his face. The first real smile Sam had seen on his brother's face appeared. Dean hurriedly wiped away any remains of tears with the palm of his hands, smearing mud across his face all the while. Sam smiled at Dean and turned around, heading towards the impala. It was understood that Dean would take a few minutes to pull himself together again, before he joined Sam in the car. They still had a job with a poltergeist to finish.

"Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

So I hope you Enjoyed it. Please do leave a review. =) Thanxs


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